Bored.

[Louie B.]

[Louie B.]

[Louie B.]

[Louie B.]

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never have asked a Mississippi grandma a question



if they weren't prepared for her answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,


a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her


and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me? She responded,



'Why, yes, I do know you,


Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been

a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate


people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when


you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything


more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was

a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't

build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the

worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very

quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send

you both to the electric chair.'

[JPMINITUCSON]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airport just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied:

"You mean, you're not my instructor?"

[Louie B.]

[Louie B.]

[JPMINITUCSON]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

"Hello?

[Louie B.]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



Scroll Down
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
You got Male..

[Louie B.]

[Louie B.]

[Louie B.]

[Louie B.]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[It Works]

[It Works]

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.

Ready??

Begin.

1. When do you feel your best?

A) in the morning
B ) during the afternoon and early evening
C) late at night


2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
B) fairly fast, with little steps
C) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
D) less fast, head down
E) very slowly


3. When talking to people you...

A) stand with your arms folded
B ) have your hands clasped
C) have one or both your hands on your hips
D) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
E) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair


4. When relaxing, you sit with...

A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

B ) your legs crossed
C) your legs stretched out or straight
D) one leg curled under you


5. When something really amuses you, you react with....

A) big appreciated laugh
B ) a laugh, but not a loud one
C) a quiet chuckle
D) a sheepish smile



6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
B ) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed


7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and

you're interrupted..

A) welcome the break
B ) feel extremely irritated
C) vary between these two extremes


8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

A) Red or orange
B ) black
C) yellow or light blue
D) green
E) dark blue or purple
F) white
G) brown or gray


9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few

moments before going to sleep, you are...

A) stretched out on your back
B ) stretched out face down on your stomach
C) on your side, slightly curled
D) with your head on one arm
E) with your head under the covers


10. You often dream that you are...

A) falling
B) fighting or struggling
C) searching for something or somebody
D) flying or floating
E) you usually have dreamless sleep
F) your dreams are always pleasant



POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c ) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

(I'm a 40 - what are you?)

OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS : Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you

radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS : Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS : Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature..

UNDER 21 PO INTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.